Anger and Bitterness

I am sure we have all been there before. We find ourselves stuck in a situation not of our own doing, and we are angry. Due to this not being our own doing, we stay in the anger because we feel trapped by it. Eventually this anger isn’t just a moment, it becomes a way of being. We become trapped in a cycle of bitterness. 

It paints how we view ourselves, others, and the world around us. The anger and bitterness spill out on the very people we don’t want to direct it towards. It creates a cycle that leaves us stuck, shameful, and hopeless. I know this is a difficult topic to talk about. Who wants to raise their hand and say:

“I am bitter, and it is destroying me and the people around me”

“None of us” would be the correct answer. 

It is easier to stay stuck in this cycle of shame than to be open and honest about the struggle we find ourselves in. The good news is that we are not alone. In the work I do as a counselor, bitterness and anger is something I see often. I see the hurt and pain inflicted by others and how the person can’t seem to break free despite how hard they fight against it. 

The reality is, this isn't only in situations that are heavy and overwhelming. This can come up in smaller ways. Maybe you were expecting your life to look a certain way and no matter what you do things don't change. Maybe it is seeing other people living the life you thought you would have. 

Finding The Root of Bitterness

Whether big issues like trauma or smaller issues like disappointment, they can all lead us to the same place. Bitter and angry. There are many things we can do, but healing our hearts of anger and bitterness is not one of them. This requires a supernatural power for us to no longer feel this heaviness, especially when we are still in the situation that caused the bitterness initially. First, we need to get to the root cause. 

Thinking about my own life, there was a particular moment where things weren’t going the way I expected or thought they should go. I remember crying out and praying “why, God? I have done everything You asked. Why is this not going the way it should?” In that moment, I felt in my Spirit God say, “Daughter, I don’t owe you anything”. 

That is pretty harsh, but it is the reality. God doesn’t owe me or anyone else anything. In that moment, I realized I was really dealing with my own bitterness towards God and He wasn’t following up on His end of the deal. This opened my eyes to know the problem wasn’t the situation; it was my perception of God and the bitterness that came from it. (Read on a little bit later, and I will let you know what the Lord put on my heart.)

Honesty With Our Self

Whether we admit it or not, I believe if we trace back our experiences with bitterness, we would find our bitterness often points to God. I can almost hear the collective disgust at this statement. 

I can hear the comments of:

 “I am not angry at God. I am angry at this person for what they did to me.”

“I am not bitter towards God. I am bitter that my situation didn’t play out the way I expected”. 

I could definitely go on, but I think you get what I am saying. We often deny our bitterness towards God with a pivot to the problem being the situation and/or a person. But what we are really saying is: 

“God, why didn’t you protect me from this person/situation?”

“God, why didn’t you simply change the situation to be how it should have been?” 

“God, why are you not doing what I expected you to do for me?”

Please hear me say that there is nothing wrong with questions. God invites them and desires to work with us through the questions we have. But when we are oblivious to the actual source of our anger and bitterness, it is far easier to stay in that place. When we recognize and accept that this is what we are really feeling and bring this to the Lord, God can really begin to work with us through these questions and feelings. 

Finding Peace

To finish up the story from earlier, God didn’t end with simply saying He didn’t owe me anything. He also reassured me that He was doing a good work within me and around me that I can’t see. In this interaction, I was able to pinpoint my bitterness towards Him while finding peace in knowing that God was working, and He was working for my good. 

This is where we can begin to find peace and freedom from our bitterness. It is beginning to be honest about the source of our bitterness, and then choosing to trust in Him despite our situation. One thing I realized in this process for myself is I would much rather God engage in my life because He wants to rather than He has to.   

We have all found ourselves in a situation where we asked someone to do something for us, and they did it begrudgingly. It doesn’t feel good. You feel like a burden, and you feel their resistance. What we really want is for us to ask and then they joyfully do the thing we need for them. 

Whether we fess up or not, this is what we desire from the Lord too. We want Him to want to be engaged in our life. The beauty of God is that He does want to be engaged in our lives. 

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” 

Zephaniah 3:17

3 Steps Toward Peace

Zephaniah 3:17 shows us a God who loves being engaged and involved in our lives. With this being the case, below are three ways to begin letting go of bitterness and finding peace despite our situation. 

1) Give up your expectations

Bitterness often comes because we didn’t expect things to look the way they do. One of the best things we can do for ourselves is throwing away our own expectations. 

2) Open yourself to other possibilities

When we hold onto our expectations, we completely miss other opportunities. Giving up our expectations helps us open our eyes to other possibilities we often discounted before. 

3) Choose to trust

Just like we talked about earlier, let go of control and begin to trust in the Lord, His work, and His timing. I know this is so much easier to say than to do, but we can begin by bringing our bitterness to the Lord and asking Him to help us trust Him. 

Think of these three steps as steps away from anger and bitterness and towards peace and emotional health.  Releasing our expectations to receive God’s perfect way reveals trust in God which ultimately benefits our lives. 

As for God, His way is perfect; 

The word of the Lord is proven; 

He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

Psalm 18:30

Remember that God chooses to work in your life because He desires to be in your life. Ultimately, God wants to be your life. May He bless you in your pursuit with the healing treasures of His presence. 

In Christ, 

Taylor Draughn, LPC, LMFT

Taylor Draughn is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Marriage and Family Therapist in Louisiana. She has been licensed since 2015 with four years of experience of providing therapy online and in-person. She loves working with women that are facing anxiety, depression, trauma-related issues, and struggles in their faith. When she is not working, she is hanging out with her husband of 14 years and her two young children.